eVoodoo

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Vince for President

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT,
DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN, GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?


My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed. Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete. This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now to begin the reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains everyon e not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organization s. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China. I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.

We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin." Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic. God bless America. Thank you and good night.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Christians

Faithful Are Carving Niche in the Workplace By Faye Fiore Times Staff Writer
Sun May 15, 7:55 AM ET

DULLES, Va. — In an auditorium on America Online's rolling campus, a glorious expanse of the heavens is projected on a big screen. Reggie Evans, a former Redskin running back turned emissary of Christ, has come to spread the Holy Word in the secular corridors of one of the biggest, richest Internet companies in the world. He has brought along some football cards and a stack of Bibles.

About 75 Christian workers listen raptly as Evans advises them to carry out their work as if Jesus were sitting next to them. But when he suggests that they knock on a colleague's cubicle and propose, "Here's a Bible, maybe we can read this together," even the most devout among them know they will not be following his advice.

"My eyes rolled back when I heard that," said Jack Clark, a technical project manager and member of a recently formed employee group called Christians @ AOL, which had invited Evans to speak. "We're not here to convert people."

Pushed primarily by evangelical Christians, faith is finding a growing presence in corporations that for years have been resistant to religious expression, including such giants as AOL Inc., Intel Corp., American Express Co., American Airlines Inc. and Ford Motor Co.

But it is an uneasy, risk-prone experiment. An evangelical movement emboldened by its strength in the 2004 presidential election, and pressing hard to advance its agenda in the battles over abortion and same-sex marriage, is finding that it must accept limits to secure a place in the corporate world.

Companies are allowing employees to sing the Lord's praises only according to strict rules — at lunch and on breaks, and only to those who want to listen — to minimize the threat to workplace harmony. Proselytizing, which can be seen as intrusive and a possible violation of harassment laws, is not permitted.

In return, some companies let workers share Bible verses on the company listserv, advertise religious events on the company intranet and invite inspirational speakers such as Evans to read Scripture in the corporate auditorium. In that case, AOL went so far as to provide sandwiches and pizza.

Even with those limits, however, the introduction of religion is changing the workplace atmosphere. Though it frees Christians such as Clark to bring their "whole selves" to work, it troubles many who are unaccustomed to seeing a Bible on a desk or hearing a supervisor respond to a casual "How's it going?" with an earnest "I'm blessed."

One AOL executive who recently passed through the company's glass lobby stopped short when the electronic bulletin board — which usually lists snow days or changes in the dental plan — advertised a seminar called "God at Work."

"It really required a double take," said the executive, speaking on condition of anonymity because his comments were not authorized by the company. "I looked at it the way you slow down for a car wreck."

Since the 1980s, employers have allowed workers with common interests — including gays and lesbians, military families, and people of shared ethnic backgrounds — to form "diversity groups." Some companies say the policy has helped the bottom line: Recruitment, retention and productivity have improved as employees have begun to feel more connected to the workplace.

So when Christians started asking to be included in the trend, many companies saw it as an extension of an idea that already had served them well. Some offered not only access to corporate facilities, but also budgets that could run into the thousands of dollars.

"There are intangible benefits," said Tiane Mitchell-Gordon, AOL's director of diversity and inclusion. Companies profit, she said, when their workers are highly engaged.

Yet other firms worried about the effect on workplace comity, not to mention potential lawsuits on grounds of religious harassment. Coca-Cola Co. and General Motors Corp., among others, have refused to recognize religious employee groups, though they allow workers to organize around race, sexual orientation and gender. AOL also seems to take pains to avoid linking religion with its brand name; when one employee brought a Bible to the photo session for this story, a company official told him to put it away.

"There is a spectrum ranging from proactive corporate leaders who are saying we need to think about this and find appropriate ways to embrace it, and others who say this is a complete hornet's nest," said David W. Miller, executive director of the Yale Center for Faith & Culture. "We are watching corporate America in the throes of this. It's the great laboratory."

The push for religious expression is coming from people of many faiths but primarily from evangelical Christians.

Some evangelicals say they have been inspired by President Bush's born-again convictions. Others point to the Bible, noting that of 40 divine interventions recorded in the Book of Acts, 39 were in the marketplace — as were all but 10 of Jesus' public appearances in the New Testament.

"My faith is part of me," says Jim Sabia, 33, a senior software designer at AOL. "It doesn't stop when I get home from church or when I go to work."

Sabia first came to know the Lord, as he puts it, six years ago when a Christian colleague at his former job asked if he thought there was a God. Now he spends his lunch hour every Tuesday in prayer and fellowship with a dozen or so other men. Most recently they've been studying sexual purity.

Sometimes, he said, it's hard to contain his enthusiasm for his faith.

"It's one of the things you struggle with," Sabia said. "As evangelical Christians, we are called to go out there, but I don't go around from cube to cube with my Bible saying, 'Repent and be healed.' "

Whether others share his restraint is what most concerns critics of the trend. A tenet of evangelical Christianity is to save the unsaved — to be a "fisher of men." There has long been tension in churches about what that means exactly, with some adopting a much more aggressive approach than others.

Angie Tracey, 49, and her husband attend the First Baptist Church in Conyers, Ga., on Wednesdays and Sundays. For years, she prayed for someone to start a fellowship at the sprawling Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta, where she works in strategic planning. One day, she said, God let her know she should do it herself.

The group, formed in 2001, has 400 members. Its quarterly church picnic-style events have outgrown the CDC's facilities, so members use a sanctuary nearby. The picnic features a "praise team" of singers, a pianist and a potluck. Tracey brings the ham. They are all back at their desks before the lunch hour ends.

The CDC workforce resources department reported receiving one informal complaint shortly after the group formed. And Tracey said she had fielded a handful of critical e-mails. She said she prayed over them.

By law, employers must accommodate reasonable religious expression, but also protect against discrimination or harassment, including unwanted proselytizing, said Chris Anders, legislative counsel for the American Civil Liberties Union in Washington who specializes in religion in the workplace.

Similarly, federal workers have broad rights to religious expression under guidelines issued by President Clinton, as long as it does not affect workplace efficiency or could be seen as government endorsement of religion. That means federal workers may wear religious head coverings, keep a Bible or Koran on their desk or talk about religion if co-workers do not object.

There are no across-the-board rules saying private employers must forbid or allow religious affinity groups, Anders said. The result has been a patchwork of policies that sometimes appears to defy logic.

Coca-Cola, based in Atlanta, and General Motors of Detroit say they do not recognize groups that promote a "particular religion or political belief," saying such groups foster divisiveness.

But Ford allows eight faith-based groups, believing that they foster cohesiveness.

Ford initially balked at the idea, fearing some employees would feel excluded if others gathered around a single religion. But three years ago, the company came upon a rather unusual model — allowing faith-based groups to form but requiring them to work together as part of an interfaith network. The network now represents Buddhists, Mormons, Hindus, Jews, Muslims and evangelical Christians, among others.

"It's a great danger many companies and groups will face in the workplace environment," said Joe Lewis, 54, a Jewish representative on the network's board of directors. "If a [manager] likes to have a prayer breakfast and is of a particular faith, others may feel intimidated and excluded.

"Ford, with its commitment to diversity, has found a way around this problem."

The network tries to make sure all faiths feel accommodated — that Muslim workers have a place for foot-washing and prayer, that Christians can punctuate e-mails with a Bible verse or that the proper cake is served to a Jewish employee during Passover.

Federal Home Loan Mortgage Corp., known as Freddie Mac, says it recognizes affinity groups built only around "unchangeable and immutable human differences," such as race, gender or sexuality. The company includes in that definition adoptive parents and military spouses but not religion.

Without formal approval, however, a Christian group meets regularly at Freddie Mac. It is permitted to use empty conference rooms and copiers but does not receive a stipend or hold corporation-wide events.

That reduced status has left Randolph Maxwell and his Christian colleagues feeling like second-class citizens.

"I think it's discriminatory," said Maxwell, 47, director of treasury business operations. He believes his non-Hodgkin's lymphoma was cured miraculously and has committed his life to Christ as a result.

There are enough examples of religious fervor gone awry to give corporations pause.

In February, an American Airlines pilot on a Los Angeles to New York flight reportedly alarmed passengers when he asked Christians to raise their hands and called those who didn't "crazy."

Several years ago, a Hewlett-Packard Co. employee was fired after posting Bible verses at his cubicle that appeared to condemn gays and lesbians.

But those wary of bringing faith to the workplace worry more about the potential for subtle abuses, such as the unspoken pressure to join a prayer group that a supervisor leads, or the awkwardness of knowing the colleague at the next desk is waiting for you to see the light and ask to be saved.

Even if the urge to convert others is restrained, Christian employees say they regularly pray for their colleagues' salvation. That characteristic sets them apart from, say, ethnic or gay groups.

"There's a fine line to walk between sharing your values at work in a positive way and feeling the workplace would be better if everybody shared your values," said the Rev. Thomas Sullivan, director of spiritual life at Babson College in Wellesley, Mass., outside Boston. "As soon as you get into the second realm, you start having uncomfortable people."

At Ford, workers say the interfaith religious group has helped them forge a new unity.

Dan Dunnigan, 46, the network's chairman, said that after a rough start, employees of different faiths had come to understand one another — so much so that when the group received a piece of hate mail about Islam, he took care of it himself, writing back a thoughtful defense without ever showing it to his Muslim colleague.

"I thought it would have hurt him deeply, and I didn't want that," Dunnigan said.

"Before this, I didn't know about Islam, and now I know a little bit. You find out that people value family, integrity, high morals, and you say, 'Wow, I believe that too.' "

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Flirting secrets

Flirting secrets from a southern belle
By Ronda Rich

Anyone can flirt. You don’t have to be eighteen or a size eight. You don’t have to be beautiful. You don’t have to be bursting with personality. You only have to possess the spark of desire and a sparkle in your eyes. It simply begins with a friendliness and openness that invites people to come closer. The key elements of flirtation are simple:

Strong Self-Esteem
People are attracted to others who feel strong and good about themselves. If you don’t like yourself, why should others? Some folks have good self-esteem because it was nurtured from early childhood in a family that made a conscious effort to instill it. Most of us have to learn it. That begins with knowing what makes us feel insecure, such as a lack of education or social skills, excess weight, or other insecurities. If there is something that bothers you about yourself, fix it. It’ll be the best investment you ever make.

Irresistible Humor
Laughter is undeniably potent in drawing others to you. Southerners are renowned for our sense of humor, especially the self-effacing kind we use in our stories. In flirtation, a sense of humor will always be your greatest ally.

A Light-Hearted Approach
Don’t take yourself or this game seriously. It ruins it. That means it’s best to begin without any agenda such as “I want to marry this guy.” No strategies. No plans. No objectives. Just keep your spirits high and your heart light. A playful tone is also key. The sound of your voice should clearly and loudly say, “Let’s have fun!”

Spirit of Goodwill
Kindliness starts from deep inside and may require a little effort, but this is truly what makes all flirting work. People respond to inner beauty quicker than they respond to outer looks. That’s why Southern mamas always warn their daughters, “Pretty is as pretty does.”

Genuine Interest
Everyone has a story of some kind. Regardless of what it is, it is interesting because our stories make us who we are. And everyone has a skill or talent. By asking questions about another’s life, skills, and talent, you gain insight into the individual, and chances are you’ll learn something.

Knowledge
Read. Read. Read. Observe and learn. Keep up with current events and pop culture. You never know when a piece of seemingly-insignificant information will serve you well in a moment of flirtation. Many times I have worked a room by dropping a line here and there about everything from business news to sports to rock stars to Broadway plays. And, honestly, all I knew was a line about each, but it was enough to get a conversation off and running.

Compliments Aplenty
You can’t flirt without flattering. Can’t be done! You have to make others feel good about themselves so that they feel good about you.

Engagement
Always use the full impact of your eyes and smile. In the hustle and bustle of a world that never stops, this tip now works more powerfully than ever. Taking the time to look someone in the eyes and connect for a moment can reach deep down to the soul of a person. We’re losing too much human contact in today’s society. That’s why these techniques, long touted by the women of the South, will high-heel kick you to the top of someone’s favorite-persons list. Look into his eyes for a deep connection and smile warmly. The eyes will draw him to you, and the smile will wrap him in gracious hospitality. It is an irresistible feeling in a world that is often far too cold.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Couple Time

How to Carve Out Couple Time and Run Your Business
by Ellen Parlapiano and Pat Cobe, The Mompreneurs

Juggling work and family: 7 coping strategies
Ever feel like you're so busy juggling kids and business that your relationship with your significant other falls to the bottom of your to-do list? Here's how to keep romance alive through the thick and thin of a home business.

Schedule Special Rituals. Set aside a certain time of the day devoted to just the two of you. To keep the time sacred, mark it on your calendar, just as you would a client meeting or a pediatrician's appointment. Perhaps you and your mate can share breakfast in bed before the kids wake up. Or maybe you can plan a candlelight dinner after the children are tucked in for the night. (Call a gourmet take-out service if you're too tired to cook!) To keep business worries from intruding on your time, close your office door and let your answering system grab the calls. Use the time not only to catch up on daily events, but to reconnect emotionally and physically. To keep the conversation from being too utilitarian, put a limit on how much you talk about family and work, then try to spend the rest of the time focusing on how you feel about each other.

Write Love Letters. Take a second out of your crazed business day to let your significant other know you're thinking about them. A romantic email or fax will brighten anyone's busy day. Or tuck a card in their briefcase that tells them how much you miss them.

Shake up Your Lunchtime Routine. Stuck lunching at your desk? If your partner works nearby, ask them to join you! Set up a small card table or snack table in your office and order in some take-out. Or try spreading out a blanket and picnic on the floor! It's a refreshing change of pace!

Turn Downtime into Dates! When you can't squeeze in a full-service date (you know, dinner, movie, the works ...) make the best of the time you do have. For example, if the two of you are heading off to a parent-teacher conference, leave a few minutes early and take a detour for a quick cup of coffee.

Put Passion into the Mundane. Turn everyday tasks into a shared experience. Cooking or exercising together, for example, can be very soothing and sensual. Even something as mindless as folding laundry together, gives you a chance to catch up with each other. Once you start devoting ordinary moments to each other, every day will like Valentine's Day.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

HOW TO WRITE A LOVE LETTER

Excerpted from HOW TO WRITE A LOVE LETTER
To get you started with your writing, here are some sentences you can complete to remind you of what you want to say and how you want to say it. Do this exercise before you proceed with your letter:

1. I'm writing this letter because I:
A. had a great date
B. want to see the person again
C. want to apologize
D. want to take the next step
E. want to say "I love you" in no uncertain terms
F. want to mark an occasion

2. The thing I admire most about the person receiving this letter is:
A. his or her wit
B. his or her smile
C. the way he or she makes me feel
D. that I can trust him or her
E. his or her intellect
F. his or her lovemaking skills
G. that certain thing he or she does

3. The thing I want this person to know about me is that:
A. he or she hurt my feelings
B. he or she made my day better
C. I really like him or her
D. I'm falling in love with him or her
E. I'm uncomfortable and want to slow things down, but not stop them
F. I can write a great letter

4. In this letter, the main thing I want to say is:
A. thank you
B. I'm sorry
C. I learned something new about you that I really like
D. I want to spend more time with you
E. I'm going to be really busy for a while; don't mistake this for a lack of interest in you
F. last night was special
G. I love you

5. I tend to be most inspired or moved by _____ so I should use that as my inspiration for my letter.
A. music
B. movies
C. books
D. poetry
E. nature
F. art
G. conversation
H. prayer

6. My partner seemed to be most moved by ____ so I should try to incorporate that into my next letter.
A. music
B. movies
C. books
D. poetry
E. nature
F. art
G. conversation
H. prayer

Monday, April 11, 2005

For Kristen

Thought this was good for Kristen but that everyone would enjoy adding their comments as well.

7 habits you need to break
By Bob Strauss

If you've been living alone for the past few years, odds are you've developed some habits that just might (to phrase it politely) strike the new guy or gal in your life as somewhat strange. Changing deeply entrenched behavior takes time and effort, so even if you're convinced the polar ice caps will melt before you meet someone, fall in love, get married and move in together, you might want to start the process by identifying these relationship-defying quirks:

45-minute showers
There's nothing like steaming up the entire bathroom on a chilly spring morning-except, that is, when there's someone outside waiting to do his or her business. If you're a guy, you can kiss these ablutionary marathons goodbye — and if you're a gal, well, you'll have to cut them back to half an hour, tops.

Spoiled pets
Strict disciplinarian that you are, you're perfectly fine with Bonkers the dog snarfing your Wheaties in the morning, and it's just so cute when Cleavis the cat curls up in the kitchen sink for a nap. Even if he's a pet lover, your boyfriend will be horrified. Show the beasts who's boss — if nothing else, it'll be good practice for your love life.

"Casual Sunday"
Dragging yourself out of bed at 2 PM, trudging around the house all afternoon in your bathrobe, brushing your teeth over the six o'clock news and only taking a shower after dinner — unless your new beau is as laid-back (read: as big a slob) as you are, all that will soon be as extinct as the dust bunnies under your bed.

All TV, all the time
When you've been alone for a while, the TV can seem almost like a live-in companion — you may not even notice its intrusive blare 24 hours a day. Your real live-in companion, however, is likely to take heed. Be sure to turn the tube off occasionally, lest he put an axe through it first.

Pretzels in bed
As long as no one's watching, that queen-size mattress might as well be an enormous dinner table (guys are especially partial to this habit — it has something to do with getting yelled at by mom). Keep it to the kitchen, thank you, and while we're on the subject, try to clean your sheets once every few months, too.

Aimless whistling
This is an especially insidious habit, because most itinerant whistlers aren't even aware what they're doing — until, that is, they notice the people around them desperately trying to claw open windows and jump out. On the other hand, if your new squeeze is an incorrigible hummer, the two of you just might be made for each other.

Lack of silverware
This one's especially for the men — After a certain age, a guy resigns himself to the fact that he doesn't need full dining-room service for four — one or two plates, an enormous bowl, and a knife and spork will do just fine (as well as make washing dishes a less onerous task). If you suspect a romance is in your future, invest in table settings for at least two. And if you think it'll be a really serious romance, go crazy and buy three or four.

Pulling off the perfect PDA

An article I found amusing considering the attention it gets in schools.

This is an abridged version.

Pulling off the perfect PDA
By Stephen F. Milioti

Congratulations: You’ve met someone you care about. While snuggling on the sofa is cozy and intimate, one of the most powerful ways to show you care is a PDA—no, not a Palm Pilot or Blackberry, but a public display of affection. But how do you pull off a PDA without looking clingy, overbearing or just plain inappropriate? For gay and lesbian couples, there’s a lot to consider when making a public display, perhaps the most important of which is safety.

So how do you successfully navigate a PDA? Here are some pointers.

Know that subtlety is sexy. The first and most important PDA rule is a simple one: Less is more. Rather than launching into a big smooch, a simple touch on the elbow or knee under a table (or placing a hand on someone’s back) is a powerful thing. “The small of someone’s back is a very sexy place,” says Fridkis. “Just touch it for a second crossing the street—that’ll do the trick.” It delivers contact and connection in a very subtle way.

Realize that shock value isn’t sexy. If you think it’s somehow dashingly assertive to launch into a major PDA without warning, think again. That can just be intrusive and overwhelming. This type of sudden, shock-value statement is obviously a no-no.

Divide and conquer. Rather than one big gesture, try a few well-placed PDAs in one date; it will help your partner get the message that you care. “It’s all about the strategic brushes against the leg and quick touch on the arm to let them know you're relating to them during a conversation. Sprinkle a couple of these moments throughout a date, and they get the message you may want to touch more another time,” says Michael Mondoro, a New York City-based public relations executive who is in a long-term committed relationship.

Don’t deploy control moves. Some PDAs seem warm and affectionate, but others can unintentionally appear controlling. For instance, “an arm around the shoulder says ‘I’m in charge,’” says Fridkis. “So you might want to avoid that type of gesture, until you learn more about the person and what they’re looking for.”

Do it sober. Just as a reminder: Don’t mix drinking and your first PDA. If you downed a few and then make your move, you might think you’re being bold and suave—but you’ll basically just look like a sloppy drunk making a move. And this is very often a deal-breaker—especially at the beginning stages of a relationship.

Be courteous about kisses. If the PDA you’re planning is a kiss in full view of others, it’s not unsexy to ask. You might want to lean in, touch your partner’s elbow, and say softly, “Mind if I kiss you?” It shows you’re considerate about how the other person feels about PDAs.

Get creative. Some of the most successful PDAs, while technically done in public, are also private—even stealth. “When I returned to my apartment at night, I would always find a sprig of fresh flowers on my doorknob,” she says. “It was always small and unobtrusive, but I knew who they were from and the significance.” It was a unique way of making a public display a little bit private. Hey, a little creativity always helps.

Stephen F. Milioti is a New York-based writer and editor. He’s written for The New York Observer and Salon.com. The PDA he most enjoys getting? A smooch on the cheek followed by a sly smile.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Bagging the rattler


Bagging the rattler
Originally uploaded by toovinnie.
Bagging a rattlesnake for transport to a more tranquil environment. (The campsite was less then tranquil when he showed up.)